The question for today is about the stages of development of our relationships.
Question: If codependency is only one of the developmental stages of a relationship, why is it that according to America’s psychologists, over 90% of relationships are codependent? Why don’t people allow their relationships to develop through the other, more mature stages, that you mention in your book Journey to the Heart of God?
Almine’s Answer: Firstly, the pain of stagnation of clinging to this stage, seems less frightening than to stop trying to control and hang onto the other person and to just allow them their freedom to explore their own development. If we don’t love ourselves, there is always the self-doubt that the other person will outgrow us or no longer need us.
Secondly, the unholy alliance of codependency is that ‘as long as you allow me to control you , I will support you’. Fear of being abandoned and no longer having the other person’s support, makes leaving the codependency seem too risky. So what is the answer to these fears? The deep realization that: My being is my sustenance.
Note: for a fuller description of codependency, see Journey to the Heart of God for the developmental stages of relationship. In various lectures, Almine has explained it as follows:
“There are three parts to the anatomy of a codependent relationship. Part one is pouring out love and providing whatever else the other person needs. Part two is where the control begins– ‘because I give you so much, I get to control you’. Part three happens when the other person refuses to be controlled. It consists of outrage and feelings of betrayal that the other person will not allow themselves to be controlled. They are seen as being ungrateful. Such relationships usually end badly.”